NOTES TO SELF

fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.

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I can only write things about lost love.

i guess i blame myself

for never being myself

the one you would’ve loved, if you’d have gotten the chance to know

the one i never let show

you helped me feel though

i was numb for so long, you came along

even now i have trouble saying how i really feel or expressing myself completely

my love for you changed me

and you would never know, all the things i was feeling for you behind the blank eyes and closed lips, the amount of love for you that exists

if i had been free, been silly, been me….

would things have winded up differently?

you said you loved me, i think that you did, you loved what little part of me i was able to show

i wish you had waited or wanted more, i wish you had waited for me to show more,

if it was right…. i would’ve opened up right?

Delusional

While I was doing tarot readings to see where we stood, Asking you why you never texted me goodnight? Asking if you we’re really too busy where you were

It was always “work”. But it was always her.

Don’t go to the next when you’re still on your ex,

you said, “She’s in a box”, i don’t even think about her,

I said “are you sure?”

I said “are you sure?”

And then maybe 100x more I said, “are you sure?”

 

Cause I was sure you weren’t,

And you weren’t.

 

A year and a half,

That’s how long it took for you to have the courage, no the decency, no the respect to tell me the truth

A year and a half, that’s how long it took for you to be honest with yourself that the box you spoke so fondly of, was always see-through,

And you were always looking in,

Matter of fact, the lid was wide open,

Memories constantly spilling out and you let them, you flooded your brain with them

 

I know cause I did the same for you, with you, all the time

I was with you. But you were never mine,

 

I said to my friend “Something just doesn’t feel right, I feel it in my gut,

I feel closed in; like i can’t breathe, like i’m trapped”

————————————————————————————————————————

“She’s in a box”, trust me

Turns out that ‘she’ was me

Only mine was closed tight with no visiting thoughts or wandering eyes, no see through windows, no effort to open, no will to unfold

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closure

 

breathe out

–you’ve been holding your breath for too long

accept the feeling

accept the loss of control

it’s not yours to worry about anymore

no more wondering

no more banging and scratching on the door

breath out,

 

let go of the handle

turn around and see what you’ve been missing out

 

you see? you’ve made it to a new place now and you can finally rest,

turn away from that door, take a look around

this is it, this is your new home,

this is closure

When you know you know (lol)

So it was always her. And I was always right. Right in the worst way. When you want so badly to be wrong. Guess I was always a rebound or a stepping stone to lead you back home. And your home is her and my home is empty searching for peace within the mess of all this. the mess of the lies and the things we tell ourselves so we can sleep at night. And I still dream of you and play future movies in my head. What a fucking delusion thinking we were meant to be what a fictional story what ironic hypocrisy. Guess love really does make you blind. Guess tonight’s the night I leave you behind.