Denial

The pain would split me in two if I let it. If I gave it access to my insides. Split me right open. Turn me inside out. Leave me no safe place to hide. I can feel it coming in around me. Closing in on me. I can feel it surrounding everything. When it feels hard to breath. When you turn the music up a little more loudly. All I know is suffering. I don’t want this suffering. All I know is suffering. Not this time. I won’t let you in. I won’t let you win. I don’t want to grieve anymore. I’m so tired of it. My body has dropped down on the floor, as I sit and write this. My body isn’t with me anymore.

we’re all building our own forts

I keep thinking about this fort I built once. I shared a room with my stepsister, and I had to get away from her the only way I knew how, so I made a fort. I had my stereo in there, and my headphones, and I was fine. I don’t know if it’s because I’m on my own now and nothing feels safe anymore. Maybe I’m trying to remind myself that I can create my own safe space. I can build my own fort, out of what I have. Maybe I’m trying to remember how there was a time when I didn’t feel safe before; but I still managed to build myself a home.

Even if it was out of blankets and sheets and a hell of a lot of pretending, it was still mine and everything was okay in there. Maybe if I could take care of myself then, there’s a good chance that I can do it now, again.  

inner-dialect

 

Why do you need a reason to exist?

I just feel like there’s gotta’ be more than this.

Why can’t you just be happy with where you are?

I just want more. I always want more.

You need to learn to be grateful.

Well, being grateful never seems to get me very far, and I turn into such a bore. Some lazy slump. Who doesn’t have ambitions anymore?

You need to learn how to balance.

Shouldn’t I just learn how to enjoy it all? Enjoy the process? Enjoy when I’m a bore? Or a lazy slump. Or enjoy when I’m so ambitious and so caught up? In the frivolous things that, really, don’t have any meaning but are so sticky and easy to get stuck in? I mean there is no point and isn’t that the point?

You’re always caught in this circle.

 Or maybe I’m just riding the waves.

thicker the truth the harder it hits

Thats exactly what it is. It’s so hard to say goodbye to all the damage. All the cracks, and bruises, and broken bits. The pieces that make up who you are, or who you thought you were. And if not that, then who are you? And what’s your excuse? for being this way? For doing nothing, and wasting your life away?