inner-dialect

 

Why do you need a reason to exist?

I just feel like there’s gotta’ be more than this.

Why can’t you just be happy with where you are?

I just want more. I always want more.

You need to learn to be grateful.

Well, being grateful never seems to get me very far, and I turn into such a bore. Some lazy slump. Who doesn’t have ambitions anymore?

You need to learn how to balance.

Shouldn’t I just learn how to enjoy it all? Enjoy the process? Enjoy when I’m a bore? Or a lazy slump. Or enjoy when I’m so ambitious and so caught up? In the frivolous things that, really, don’t have any meaning but are so sticky and easy to get stuck in? I mean there is no point and isn’t that the point?

You’re always caught in this circle.

 Or maybe I’m just riding the waves.

new feelings.

So, this is what ambition feels like? It’s a little aggravating to say the least; to actually want something. To feel that burning. That desire. That hunger for life. For a life. For your life. The hunger to choose, to build, and design your life. But oh, the patience. The self-discipline. The never- ender supply of self-love that you must feed yourself.

peaches & tangerines

Peaches and tangerines.
Crisp air. Light breeze
Weak.
My knees.
Fighting to stand.
When I look at this man.
I could crumble.
Apple pie.
My oh my.
His eyes.
My heart.
Beating a million per.
Every second.
I spend with you.
Everything becomes more of truth.
True as my love for you.
The seas could part.
The skies could clear.
To have you near.
Just to have you near.

silence, storms, and still water

My silence spoke louder than you ever did. You couldn’t stand it. Silence – it scared you; you couldn’t stand still. You didn’t want to see the things it made clear. You always had to keep moving; always inching away from yourself. Scared of your reflection; always distracting yourself. But I stood still; and kept the waters clear; so clear and still that your reflection shined back. You hated that. You said I was a calm lake; and you a raging storm. But storms always pass dear, and still water doesn’t stay still for long.

some ingredients for living

Constant forgiveness
To yourself, and others.
Lies.
You’ll be lying to yourself almost the whole time.
Forgiveness for those lies once you’re ready to accept the truth.
Playfulness. Laughter.
and a pinch of seriousness is necessary too.
Acceptance.
At the madness of it all.
The chaos, the confusion.
Trust.
And above all,
Love.

2020

36 Predictions Of Growth. “When we encounter change sometimes it feels like a shock to our system. Look further in this moment, you know that it’s time to grow taller, to move forward. Our transformations, although they feel uprooting, ever deepen the roots within our knowledge of ourselves. You are growing and your buds will bloom in the summer light” 

2020-01-02 11:43:52.577

Deck: Iris oracle deck

by: Mary Elizabeth Evans

Quiet them down

When the voices get too loud you must learn how to quiet them down. What works for me may not for you. But there’s somethings you can try to do:

Spin in a circle very fast. Dance around with music on blast . Stay very still. Be a statue. Breathe deep. then deeper. then even deeper than that.  

These voices can be loud. And it can be hard to drown them out. Or focus on anything else. But you gotta learn how to quiet them down. Don’t let them get so loud that you can’t hear anything else.

Sometimes they grow into other people. The naysayers. The people that tell you what you shouldn’t and you couldn’t and you mustn’t do. 

Drown them out just like the rest. Dance them out till you’re so dizzy you can’t hear them quite correct.

Do whatever you do. Whatever works for you. to quiet them down and tuck them away. help the voices grow quiet. So your soul can have a say

I said goodbye to you in a dream last night…

I said goodbye to you in a dream last night

the subconscious parts that were still hanging on 

the parts of me I didn’t even know still were

I could feel the last thread snap and feel the absence of you while I stood strong and still

I never really could grasp how much I cared.

5 years later your grip still had me.

now I’m completely utterly free. finally

I’ve set myself free

 

 

 

The emptiness that lives inside of me

it hurts to always feel like this. but it’s really more tiring than anything. Struggling to live. Like breathing doesn’t come naturally to you. Something you have to consciously think to do. And I don’t know if I’ve always been this way or when did it all start? It’s been so long now it’s hard for me to tell the years apart. I don’t know if it grew or if it was always there. this deep dark sinking despair. And I don’t know if I can shake it or ever set it free. For now I live with it. While it lives inside of me. 

hurting me to help you.

You look at me as if I have all the answers or can solve all your problems for you at a whim. But you never listen. Here’s the thing. All your problems you could solve by yourself. But you don’t really want help. Just want to sink into yourself. And complain of how bad and awful and how horrid it is. And “look at how the world did me in! I didn’t deserve this! and how come I never win?”. But the sad truth is. You do it to yourself. Just like almost everyone else. And I know you’re never really asking me for help. And it hurts to play pretend so much so please just leave me out. Cause I actually want to get out of this sinking ship and you just want to keep pulling me back in. 

these are the eyes I should know most…

These are the eyes I should know the most. 

When you look into mine can you see the scars you’ve left on my soul?

 

You were supposed to be my home

But instead you were my great unknown 

 

What type of man is it that leaves his child behind?

What type of man is it that wouldn’t know his child from their eyes

 

Instead of showing me love 

You showed me lies

 

I guess you taught me in your own fucked up way

you taught me strength when you showed me weakness with your good-byes

And your lies 

And the way you never tried showed me strength

I learnt loyalty from you walking away

 

But these lessons all come with a side of pain 

 

Nothing replaces a parent who chooses not to stay

the free ones

the air still stunk of our youth. going for breakfast hungover at noon. our laughter filled up rooms. talking of all the things we did or didn’t do. not knowing that these would be the days wed want to remember the most soon. effortlessly free, wild and seen. we drank our coffee fast ate our food slow, talked about what would be next down the road. we never really worried though about what was to come, we’re just here to have fun.

oh and did we ever have fun

i’ll always remember us

as the young, wild, and free ones,

dancing into dust.

 

for now

why does the step you take backwards feel so much bigger than the ones you take forwards. its so easy to sink into shame. and regret. its so easy to look down on yourself and so hard to clap for your own win.

I’ve taken a step back and i’m trying not to stand here too long. trying not to wait too long to step forwards again. but my foot is stuck. and I have to wait. in this familiar place. of guilt and shame.

 

 

 

????

its been hard to write

I feel like a stranger to my mind

like there’s a gap between myself and me

and I’m floating in the in between

so there’s nothing concrete

so the words crumble as they spill out of my mouth

crumbs of me on the ground

 

on knowing a narcissist

I see what you do, how you take people and convince them to worship you.

and do what you do, and live like you too.

does it make you feel special? to see someones sparkling eyes look up to you as you know you’ll squish them down to tiny bits eventually, you know you’ll make them feel like they don’t exist eventually, you know you’ll leave them lost in parts and scarred, and left with tainted hearts.

but doesn’t it feel good to preach and control and to lead the weak?

you pity these people who look up to you, what poor souls, they would be so utterly lost without you.

 

on loving an addict

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this is what it’s like to love an addict

 

you’d rip your own heart out and give it to them. because theres is broken. you lose yourself slowly. piece by piece. deteriorating in different ways everyday by the seems. you become empty. a shadow of yourself. lose your identity. the addiction swallows them up whole and then swallows you up next.

 

 

stranded at sea

 

stranded out at sea

nobody sees

there’s no safe haven anymore

no one to pull me up to shore

no life jacket to float

no oxygen mask while I choke

no one to run to with open arms

and no where to run to anymore

I reach out but no one sees me

and all I see is myself

 

 

 

 

 

on being a good person in an increasingly corrupt world.

** I don’t know enough on this subject to really go into depth, these are just some of the thoughts I’ve been having on and off for years now; that are a little harder to shut out lately **

 

It’s starting to feel increasingly difficult to be a good person in this world. No matter what you do the choices you make seem to have a negative impact in some way. You can’t get a coffee to go because the plastic from the coffee will never go. You’re just adding to the never ending pile of human waste in the world. it’s almost impossible to grocery shop in a way that will leave 0 negative impacts. Everything is packaged in plastic. And who knows where the meat is coming from, or what’s in it. If you buy meat you’re just contributing to the in-humane slaughtering of animals; saying its okay for these animals to be injected with who knows what- or kept in such gruesome conditions of living until there offed one by one without a shred of dignity or respect or care. If you buy produce you’re saying its okay for them to be filled with pesticides, and then if they’re shipped from outside of your country, you’re contributing to all the carbon and fuels that are wasted just for you to bite into your fucking apple. It’s a consumerist world and it’s killing us. Being a  concious consumer is becoming increasingly difficult; Everything you choose to consume is somehow aiding in the slow degradation of our climate and our earth. So then you try to consume less, which can prove to be quite difficult. We’re live in a world of instant gratification and living a life different from that can seem somewhat impossible now.  It’s starting to frustrate me in ways I can’t properly explain. Why should I feel like a shitty person for simply living. But how can I not? There is no way to be blissfully ignorant anymore; we’re too easily informed. Information is shoved down our throats.

 

Permanent soul in a transient world ??

Is our search for meaning and purpose really just a search for permanency in an other-wise transient universe?

Someway to still remain, after we no longer do?

 

Some choose to be writers; and leave their words behind.

Others choose to be lovers; and build a family that might last through time.

Are we all just trying to find a way for our souls to echo through time and space and a way to forever remain?