a poem about waking up.

open my eyes.

(the world is reborn)

open them wide.

(system reboot)

open my eyes.

(a new day has arrived) 

open my eyes

(it’s blurry at first)

open my eyes

(kind of uncomfortable. kind of hurts) 

open them wide

new eyes. new eyes. new day. new life

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how I long (to be free)

there are so many parts of myself that I hide from everyone else. I don’t know if i’ll ever be able to be free in my on skin; my own body. my mind tends to hide doesn’t like to share. is scared. so scared. takes other peoples values to high puts itself down too low. tends to mould… into whatever, whatever people think will be best. whatever I think will be best? why don’t I want to be known for alllll that I am, why is there always parts that can’t be shown and will they ever be ready, will I ever be ready? am I ever really myself? or just parts of someone else that I put together the way I see it best. I’m scared that I will never know me. and that is why no one else ever will either. and i’m not sure what to do with  that. I spend so much time alone just getting to know ME how sad is that… it seems so silly. but it’s all true so what is there now left to do? to help make myself something see-through something people can see… something I can see. i’m tired of hiding and i’m tired of feeling like i’m lying. I just want to be myself I just want to feel free

I just want to be me. (be free)

 

euphoric recall

what brings us back every time

rose-colored glasses as we look at whats behind… us.

whats behind us,

is us.

but we keep going back every time we look behind. we see all the shiny moments of sunshine, but what about all the empty promises and abusive words; what about the nights i laid up crying, while you slept, trying hard not to be heard.  what about that gut feeling that you know something is wrong. and you need to get out

where do these memories go when your walking down nostalgia road?

its euphoric recall

and it keeps me coming back

and its the reason you always stay

 

a good (hard) look at yourself

Maybe its me?

Maybe i’ve been shitty… maybe IM THE PROBLEM, maybe i’ve been the cause of everything thats gone wrong. And thats why im not confident in myself. Because maybe i know deep down that im the one who has been shitty and done wrong- and caused myself to lose love.

Maybe ive been pushing people away and then crying for them to stay and tormenting people just for being near me.

Maybe i dont give – but i take. maybe im fake. maybe i cant admit my mistakes or when ive done wrong- i try to be too strong. maybe im shallow. maybe im scared. maybe i run from people like theyre fkn nightmares – maybe i treat them like shit so they think i dont care

Maybe i dont care

Unless it effects me – unless it does something negative to me

Maybe im just scared of being alone- and im trying to fill all these holes – and im using people like tools for something that im supposed to be doing.

Maybe i make people feel used- maybe i make them feel useless…. Never telling anyone how much they mean to me- how much i lean on them how much theyve helped me and saved me and made me who i am, maybe i put too much on people and they cant handle the weight- maybe being with me is too heavy, maybe i crush people with all of the sadness and all of the silence and all of the issues that always seem to be more important than theirs; and maybe i think im the fkn special one and im always shoving it down their throats?

Maybe its me?

What if its me?

Then what?

grow old

I haven’t been writing.

Haven’t been reading.

Haven’t been dancing

Haven’t been singing

 

Havent “had” the time

Haven’t MADE the time

 

This is what they warn you about when they say don’t grow up its a trap

Because these are the things that i love and that give me reasons to wake up

And ive been shoving them down and staying on the grind and hustling for a dollar bill that does nothing for my mind and nothing for my soul

And it SHOWS IT SHOWS IT SHOWS/// this is how you grow “old”

free flow writing exercise #1

I pretended to know what I was doing (with my life),

I only fooled myself. 

 

i pretended to know what i was doing. pretended to be a functional adult – who knows how to do these things: apartment hunt, pay off bills, grocery shop, decorate the place, job hunt, talk to people, renovate a space, make things work. fix things, build things, share things, create things, make things. i fooled myself; and everyone else, but mostly me. as i tend to do every time i make some big decision in life. it doesn’t really matter. only it does. cause every decision is what you’re gonna have to live in every day. oh but anyways, i pretend i am some big important thing. i fool myself; i fool you too. this is a trick i think we’ve all learned to do.  i guess its the ego – its our tick of the trade; we come with a built in manual of how to put on an identity display.

 

****writing prompt from yrsadaleyward instagram page*****

-> what was the last thing you pretended to know? who did you fool? 5 min free write

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe our delusions and toxic traits just matched up perfectly; just blame it on chemistry ‘

the narcissist and the codependent – fitting together like each others missing puzzle piece, how sweet.

 

 

 

thank you : to the moon

I looked up at the sky tonight and got to witness just how beautiful you are. glowing and full and powerful. the sky filled up with hues of pinks and blues and there; just you; bright and shining, and singing to our souls- always reminding us of the power we all hold. Reminding us that it’s okay to go through phases and shifts and changes. Showing us that anything is possible as you pull the ocean tides from the shore.

Always shining on the darkest nights- and helping us feel safe- and more brave- and calling to all our inner wolves- and revealing our inner strength.

don’t fall down the rabbit holes

Slippery slopes like: self- medicating to cope; or all the different ways you learn to escape. pretending to be- anything. Not using your voice when you know you should — Hiding – when you know your meant to be heard. Being comfortable – with what you don’t want and accepting it – never giving enough of a fuck to fight back. Pleasing everyone – before you please yourself. Thinking of everyone else’s thoughts. Trying so hard not to piss anyone off. Pissing yourself off instead. Not sharing your dreams. Getting too caught up in boring routines. Forgetting to step outside of yourself, every once in a while- or all the time. Holding on to hurtful things and people. Focusing too much on memories. Not enough on creating them. Not creating enough, period. Forgetting to be thankful – always always always forgetting to be thankful.

to you dad

You came to me last night in a dream and its been a while since i’ve seen you. Before you got old and unfamiliar and sick- well, i guess you were always sick – but your body could hide it better before – i saw you as the young man i knew as my dad, you looked like how i remember you – when i try to look through my childhood eyes- you seemed happy – in that dangerous kinda way you always seemed to be – happy and laughing at the misery

You said “ were not supposed to figure it out” and you were laughing and you walked away – that’s mostly what you did while you were here and alive too, ~~~walking away walking away, always walking away – maybe that’s the irony – eventually you could barely breathe if you took a step – permanently bound – nowhere to go but the hospital bed, and that’s how you came to me in the dream- dressed in a hospital gown – like you’re stuck there- but not trying to figure out how to get out-

Now i don’t know what this all means- or why you chose to come to me… or why i chose it if that’s how dreams work and- all i know is it was nice to see you again – like that, and even after everything – it was nice to see you happy and smiling, i hope your soul finds peace.

So if you came looking for forgiveness – know you have it from me – life is the hardest thing we all do and i don’t blame you i don’t blame you. i don’t blame you .

(explosive) expression

repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repressrepress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.repress.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.REPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS.EXPRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

rebirth rebirth rebirth …. cont’

to flourish from the sorrow stained soil – to grow out of the dark depths of the dirt – to flow towards the burning embers of the sun and feel the warmth run down my spine- to nourish me once more

 

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i’m gonna mourn you tonight

gonna soak up every memory till it eats me alive

cause it just doesn’t feel right – to be apart tonight, or for the rest of my life

it doesn’t feel right.

 

so i’ll pretend you’re here with me – i’ll binge on a feast of our memories 

it’ll taste so bitter & so damn sweet 

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connections

There are strings between you and some people that are stronger than others – you can even feel it when they start to miss you – feel the string tugging on your soul 

me vs me

So i find myself back in forth in battling thoughts – like WHY AREN’T YOU THERE YET!? – you know, the place you should be by now – why do you keep losing yourself on the way – and then you just forget where you’re going? Or get to the wrong place and decide you should stay? 

Then I breathe deep, oh honey- it’s okay- life is not a race and we all end up the same anyway, you want to enjoy the ride while your on it; not once you get off- so don’t be so bothered and pressured to be something you’re not. Or someone you’re not. And don’t feel so pressured to DO>DO>DO, it’s good that you’re one of the ones who knows how to pause; and breathe; and take things in and be still. this is all part of who you are and sometimes the path unveils itself just as you are (being who you are)

but get off your ass and start building more – you’re doing okay, but you could be doing so much more. It’s okay, just take a bit longer to rest and think it over – but don’t blame me when you run out of time – and your too far behind – you can’t see anyone anymore and you definitely can’t see the finish line-

but everyone reaches that line eventually – whether they like it or not – it’s about what you fill it with while you’re here from the start. Better just try to enjoy it – your time is so short – don’t let yourself get confused by these people screaming success down your throat – while they’re struggling and unhappy and LIFE IS SO SHORT – just don’t forget that; you may not be where you want to be- but at least you are here- and you ARE.

You are.

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survivor

Words have always been powerful to me. That’s why I can be easily manipulated by them.

My words are connected to my soul…

  • I speak from my soul

But some people; they speak and they don’t mean what they speak. And this is a form of intelligence I’ve grown 

  • Hearing what is not being said

This is a survival skill I have picked up, because my soul speaks; but not everyone’s does- so my soul listens now too… to more than the words, it hears the what that is not being said in the silence – it picks up on the subtleties – in the secrets under the sentences

your illness

im sorry i cant take it all away for you

or help you be stronger, or just be strong

i see her pain it takes up her whole face now

im sorry i cant take it away from her either

or from myself

i would take it from you

if i could

i would be the home for the sickness that subsides within you

and im sorry i get so angry

or for when i choose to look away

its just the pain can look so ugly

and sometimes it makes me afraid

im scared for you, for her, for me, for all of us

i would take it all from you, from her, from all of you and walk away with it, i would be its home.

 

 

The night time tricks you into feeling lonely

So what if I still miss you at 2am
When the lights are dim
And it’s quiet enough for the thoughts to sink in

Not thoughts really. The feelings that weigh heavy on the heart get sent to the brain. The heart keeps beating but it doesn’t feel the same. Maybe half of it’s missing
Or maybe it’s just another day like when it was before you came. You’re  gone now anyway. And I wanted it this way- just taking a while for my heart to catch up, stop relishing and romanticizing the pain

 

NOTES TO SELF

fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.fall in love with life like you’ve fallen in love with people. fall in love with yourself like you’ve fallen in love with other people.

I can only write things about lost love.

i guess i blame myself

for never being myself

the one you would’ve loved, if you’d have gotten the chance to know

the one i never let show

you helped me feel though

i was numb for so long, you came along

even now i have trouble saying how i really feel or expressing myself completely

my love for you changed me

and you would never know, all the things i was feeling for you behind the blank eyes and closed lips, the amount of love for you that exists

if i had been free, been silly, been me….

would things have winded up differently?

you said you loved me, i think that you did, you loved what little part of me i was able to show

i wish you had waited or wanted more, i wish you had waited for me to show more,

if it was right…. i would’ve opened up right?

mental(ity)

It’s hard to explain to people who don’t experience it themselves.

To feel a sense of accomplishment from going outside to walk the dog, or mustering up the courage get your nails done. The effort it takes some days to get out bed. How you get ready to go out but then can’t leave the house. Or how one day you wake up and you can’t go into work. And you can’t call cause you don’t know what to say. You lose jobs to it. You ignore the texts from everyone. They go from “Hey, where are you? to genuine concern and worry, until they turn to anger. And then you feel even worse. They say things like “Are you okay? this isn’t like you”.

But it is like me.

It’s just sometimes it’s worse. Sometimes I can contain it better and put it to the side; sometimes it eats me up whole and leaves behind a fragile body curled up in bed staring at the wall.