Feeling surrounded and completely alone. All at once. All too much. All the time.
Some words feel raw. Some feel rehearsed
To turn the sadness and pain into something beautiful
It’s not a coincidence that every time you come around I put myself in a box and keep everyone out
I shut down and hide away.
But it’s only from you that I need to hide.
You’re the monster who always makes me feel small. Makes me doubt myself and build my walls
When I let you in. I keep everyone out.
Start feeling like the monster myself
You are the wickedest form
Disguising yourself as love when it’s only evils you create and fear that you instil
You come near and I shrink
I become small
I become moldable. Allowing you to make me into whatever you see best. Or whatever you make me believe. Whatever you want me to see
The monsters are always the ones you least suspect
But I’ve let you climb into my sheets and into my head. One too many times now. Now I know your layout. I know the roads and paths that make up your map. I know who you are.
I see behind your beautiful brown eyes and into your dark soul
Don’t burry yourself in your own grave with all that guilt and shame.
If you slipped into the hole just try and climb out slow. Don’t stay in and let gravity win.
Don’t wait till you’re too weak to climb out or too scared to cry for help.
That guilt and shame is an awful mix and it’s so easy to get burried by it. So try and get out before the dirt hits.
I know there is nothing that I could say but I thought you should know how much of a shame it is that we ended up this way. and I still don’t like what I had become, or the way I treated you- the one that I loved. And it was so sad to ruin us. And I cant take it back or spend my time wishing it so. But I hope to god that you can forgive, or that you already did. Or that I can move past this and stop wishing away, and wasting my days, and soaking you up with all the thoughts in my brain.
And there is really nothing I can say, just want you to know I didn’t want to leave you that way, and I wanted you to stay, and I didn’t mean to hurt you that way. And I never believed you, and i’m sorry for that. That’s my issue and you have yours, and I don’t know if we could’ve worked them out but I know sure as hell that I could have tried more. But I hope your okay and I love you all the same, any other way.
It’s hard to explain to people who don’t experience it themselves.
To feel a sense of accomplishment from going outside to walk the dog, or mustering up the courage get your nails done. The effort it takes some days to get out bed. How you get ready to go out but then can’t leave the house. Or how one day you wake up and you can’t go into work. And you can’t call cause you don’t know what to say. You lose jobs to it. You ignore the texts from everyone. They go from “Hey, where are you? to genuine concern and worry, until they turn to anger. And then you feel even worse. They say things like “Are you okay? this isn’t like you”.
But it is like me.
It’s just sometimes it’s worse. Sometimes I can contain it better and put it to the side; sometimes it eats me up whole and leaves behind a fragile body curled up in the bed staring at the wall. Frozen and trapped, unable to move at all.