how I long (to be free)

there are so many parts of myself that I hide from everyone else. I don’t know if i’ll ever be able to be free in my on skin; my own body. my mind tends to hide doesn’t like to share. is scared. so scared. takes other peoples values to high puts itself down too low. tends to mould… into whatever, whatever people think will be best. whatever I think will be best? why don’t I want to be known for alllll that I am, why is there always parts that can’t be shown and will they ever be ready, will I ever be ready? am I ever really myself? or just parts of someone else that I put together the way I see it best. I’m scared that I will never know me. and that is why no one else ever will either. and i’m not sure what to do with  that. I spend so much time alone just getting to know ME how sad is that… it seems so silly. but it’s all true so what is there now left to do? to help make myself something see-through something people can see… something I can see. i’m tired of hiding and i’m tired of feeling like i’m lying. I just want to be myself I just want to feel free

I just want to be me. (be free)

 

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a good (hard) look at yourself

Maybe its me?

Maybe i’ve been shitty… maybe IM THE PROBLEM, maybe i’ve been the cause of everything thats gone wrong. And thats why im not confident in myself. Because maybe i know deep down that im the one who has been shitty and done wrong- and caused myself to lose love.

Maybe ive been pushing people away and then crying for them to stay and tormenting people just for being near me.

Maybe i dont give – but i take. maybe im fake. maybe i cant admit my mistakes or when ive done wrong- i try to be too strong. maybe im shallow. maybe im scared. maybe i run from people like theyre fkn nightmares – maybe i treat them like shit so they think i dont care

Maybe i dont care

Unless it effects me – unless it does something negative to me

Maybe im just scared of being alone- and im trying to fill all these holes – and im using people like tools for something that im supposed to be doing.

Maybe i make people feel used- maybe i make them feel useless…. Never telling anyone how much they mean to me- how much i lean on them how much theyve helped me and saved me and made me who i am, maybe i put too much on people and they cant handle the weight- maybe being with me is too heavy, maybe i crush people with all of the sadness and all of the silence and all of the issues that always seem to be more important than theirs; and maybe i think im the fkn special one and im always shoving it down their throats?

Maybe its me?

What if its me?

Then what?

grow old

I haven’t been writing.

Haven’t been reading.

Haven’t been dancing

Haven’t been singing

 

Havent “had” the time

Haven’t MADE the time

 

This is what they warn you about when they say don’t grow up its a trap

Because these are the things that i love and that give me reasons to wake up

And ive been shoving them down and staying on the grind and hustling for a dollar bill that does nothing for my mind and nothing for my soul

And it SHOWS IT SHOWS IT SHOWS/// this is how you grow “old”

 

Maybe our delusions and toxic traits just matched up perfectly; just blame it on chemistry ‘

the narcissist and the codependent – fitting together like each others missing puzzle piece, how sweet.