????

its been hard to write

I feel like a stranger to my mind

like there’s a gap between myself and me

and I’m floating in the in between

so there’s nothing concrete

so the words crumble as they spill out of my mouth

crumbs of me on the ground

 

on knowing a narcissist

I see what you do, how you take people and convince them to worship you.

and do what you do, and live like you too.

does it make you feel special? to see someones sparkling eyes look up to you as you know you’ll squish them down to tiny bits eventually, you know you’ll make them feel like they don’t exist eventually, you know you’ll leave them lost in parts and scarred, and left with tainted hearts.

but doesn’t it feel good to preach and control and to lead the weak?

you pity these people who look up to you, what poor souls, they would be so utterly lost without you.

 

on loving an addict

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this is what it’s like to love an addict

 

you’d rip your own heart out and give it to them. because theres is broken. you lose yourself slowly. piece by piece. deteriorating in different ways everyday by the seems. you become empty. a shadow of yourself. lose your identity. the addiction swallows them up whole and then swallows you up next.

 

 

stranded at sea

 

stranded out at sea

nobody sees

there’s no safe haven anymore

no one to pull me up to shore

no life jacket to float

no oxygen mask while I choke

no one to run to with open arms

and no where to run to anymore

I reach out but no one sees me

and all I see is myself

 

 

 

 

 

a good (hard) look at yourself

Maybe its me?

Maybe i’ve been shitty… maybe IM THE PROBLEM, maybe i’ve been the cause of everything thats gone wrong. And thats why im not confident in myself. Because maybe i know deep down that im the one who has been shitty and done wrong- and caused myself to lose love.

Maybe ive been pushing people away and then crying for them to stay and tormenting people just for being near me.

Maybe i dont give – but i take. maybe im fake. maybe i cant admit my mistakes or when ive done wrong- i try to be too strong. maybe im shallow. maybe im scared. maybe i run from people like theyre fkn nightmares – maybe i treat them like shit so they think i dont care

Maybe i dont care

Unless it effects me – unless it does something negative to me

Maybe im just scared of being alone- and im trying to fill all these holes – and im using people like tools for something that im supposed to be doing.

Maybe i make people feel used- maybe i make them feel useless…. Never telling anyone how much they mean to me- how much i lean on them how much theyve helped me and saved me and made me who i am, maybe i put too much on people and they cant handle the weight- maybe being with me is too heavy, maybe i crush people with all of the sadness and all of the silence and all of the issues that always seem to be more important than theirs; and maybe i think im the fkn special one and im always shoving it down their throats?

Maybe its me?

What if its me?

Then what?