i do magic

i been doing alchemy 

doing my magic; making me better

turned the scars to stars

the toxics to treasures

turned you into dust – blew you away 

remember when i always wanted you to stay?

remember me always chasin you some type of way 

you had me thinking love was pain 

but i got back to myself and spell cast you into the past

and i turned myself gold, scream as loud as you want; i wouldn’t hear you no more.

 

 

 

 

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a good (hard) look at yourself

Maybe its me?

Maybe i’ve been shitty… maybe IM THE PROBLEM, maybe i’ve been the cause of everything thats gone wrong. And thats why im not confident in myself. Because maybe i know deep down that im the one who has been shitty and done wrong- and caused myself to lose love.

Maybe ive been pushing people away and then crying for them to stay and tormenting people just for being near me.

Maybe i dont give – but i take. maybe im fake. maybe i cant admit my mistakes or when ive done wrong- i try to be too strong. maybe im shallow. maybe im scared. maybe i run from people like theyre fkn nightmares – maybe i treat them like shit so they think i dont care

Maybe i dont care

Unless it effects me – unless it does something negative to me

Maybe im just scared of being alone- and im trying to fill all these holes – and im using people like tools for something that im supposed to be doing.

Maybe i make people feel used- maybe i make them feel useless…. Never telling anyone how much they mean to me- how much i lean on them how much theyve helped me and saved me and made me who i am, maybe i put too much on people and they cant handle the weight- maybe being with me is too heavy, maybe i crush people with all of the sadness and all of the silence and all of the issues that always seem to be more important than theirs; and maybe i think im the fkn special one and im always shoving it down their throats?

Maybe its me?

What if its me?

Then what?

grow old

I haven’t been writing.

Haven’t been reading.

Haven’t been dancing

Haven’t been singing

 

Havent “had” the time

Haven’t MADE the time

 

This is what they warn you about when they say don’t grow up its a trap

Because these are the things that i love and that give me reasons to wake up

And ive been shoving them down and staying on the grind and hustling for a dollar bill that does nothing for my mind and nothing for my soul

And it SHOWS IT SHOWS IT SHOWS/// this is how you grow “old”

i do pray for you

 

Hope is the only source of light when it all goes dark.

So i hold on to it as tight as i possibly can in moments like this.

So hard i fear i might break it – but its the only thing i have to get me through.

And -hopefully- get you through too.

Its true that a monsters favourite place to hide is inside of us – and we must shed the light within to see them – at all the dark places and spots and corridors in our minds.

Sometimes i confuse you with the monster that lives inside of you and likes to take over. Its been taking over more frequently and i’ve been recognizing you less and i’m so scared i’m gonna lose you to it. So i hold on to hope as i look away; maybe soon i’ll be able to face it and be more brave- or maybe you will be- cause i can’t fight your monster for you – its something only you can do – maybe one day you’ll fight it and win- but ill hold on to my shining ball of hope until then.

 

 

  • I do pray for you.