a good (hard) look at yourself

Maybe its me?

Maybe i’ve been shitty… maybe IM THE PROBLEM, maybe i’ve been the cause of everything thats gone wrong. And thats why im not confident in myself. Because maybe i know deep down that im the one who has been shitty and done wrong- and caused myself to lose love.

Maybe ive been pushing people away and then crying for them to stay and tormenting people just for being near me.

Maybe i dont give – but i take. maybe im fake. maybe i cant admit my mistakes or when ive done wrong- i try to be too strong. maybe im shallow. maybe im scared. maybe i run from people like theyre fkn nightmares – maybe i treat them like shit so they think i dont care

Maybe i dont care

Unless it effects me – unless it does something negative to me

Maybe im just scared of being alone- and im trying to fill all these holes – and im using people like tools for something that im supposed to be doing.

Maybe i make people feel used- maybe i make them feel useless…. Never telling anyone how much they mean to me- how much i lean on them how much theyve helped me and saved me and made me who i am, maybe i put too much on people and they cant handle the weight- maybe being with me is too heavy, maybe i crush people with all of the sadness and all of the silence and all of the issues that always seem to be more important than theirs; and maybe i think im the fkn special one and im always shoving it down their throats?

Maybe its me?

What if its me?

Then what?

grow old

I haven’t been writing.

Haven’t been reading.

Haven’t been dancing

Haven’t been singing


Havent “had” the time

Haven’t MADE the time


This is what they warn you about when they say don’t grow up its a trap

Because these are the things that i love and that give me reasons to wake up

And ive been shoving them down and staying on the grind and hustling for a dollar bill that does nothing for my mind and nothing for my soul

And it SHOWS IT SHOWS IT SHOWS/// this is how you grow “old”

free flow writing exercise #1

I pretended to know what I was doing (with my life),

I only fooled myself. 


i pretended to know what i was doing. pretended to be a functional adult – who knows how to do these things: apartment hunt, pay off bills, grocery shop, decorate the place, job hunt, talk to people, renovate a space, make things work. fix things, build things, share things, create things, make things. i fooled myself; and everyone else, but mostly me. as i tend to do every time i make some big decision in life. it doesn’t really matter. only it does. cause every decision is what you’re gonna have to live in every day. oh but anyways, i pretend i am some big important thing. i fool myself; i fool you too. this is a trick i think we’ve all learned to do.  i guess its the ego – its our tick of the trade; we come with a built in manual of how to put on an identity display.


****writing prompt from yrsadaleyward instagram page*****

-> what was the last thing you pretended to know? who did you fool? 5 min free write